It's been almost five years since we moved into our 1873 Second Empire home, and we're still nowhere near seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Most of the repairs we've done so far have been motivated by an urgent need, such as not wanting the water to come pouring through the bedroom ceiling. Some of them have been motivated by aesthetics, such as not wanting ceiling medallions the color of something you'd clean up after the cat. However, all of them have involved a significant amount of fixing not only the problem, but also undoing the previous owner's repairs. So here I present you with a primer on duping potential home buyers who visualize the house as lovely as it could be, rather than as dilapidated as it is. . . .

Leaky Roof: On the flat part, nail down a whole bunch of sheets of tar paper. Let it hang over the edge of the roof so water goes down the side of the house instead of into the yankee gutters, which leak into the soffits and interior walls. Use gobs of tar for any place it doesn't lie flat. Gobs of tar are also almost the same color of slate, so use lots of it on cracked slate for those leaks. If you have extra when you're done, put it where you don't need it just to use it up. On the inside, water damaged ceilings can be repaired with texture paint. More is better. If the roof still leaks and damages the texture paint, repair the cracks with more texture paint.

Cracked Plaster and Peeling Wallpaper: These can easily be repaired with spackle. Again, more is better. You won't need to peel off the wallpaper or dig out any more of the plaster than what's already off if you apply the spackle way past the edges. That fiberglass net stuff is pretty cool, and if you put furniture in front of it, you won't have to do anything to smooth it out. The can of spackle says to sand it with a wet sponge, but if you paint over it with flat paint, it'll be disguised and you can save yourself that step.

Leaky Plumbing: Silicone caulk is really good for this. Find the leak and apply it liberally. If there's still a leak, put more on. If there are water stains on the ceilings or walls, paint them all the same color and just keep painting the stains as they appear. If the water makes a hole, fill it with lots of spackle.

Broken Balusters: Wrap the broken baluster with duct tape to hold it together. Paint it to match the others. If it jiggles, fill the holes at the top and bottom with lots of spackle, and paint that, too.

Animal Invaders: Find the entry holes, and fill them up with towels, t-shirts, and other rags. Animals hate this stuff. On the outside of the hole, spray in a can or two of that expandable foam insulation. Animals will never get through that. Paint it for camouflage. Animals will be fooled into thinking it's solid wood, and will never get in the house again.

Damaged Wood (interior and exterior): Paint. If it still looks bad, paint some more. Paint will fill in all the cracks and holes. If there are still cracks and holes, paint some more. Inside, if there are still cracks and holes, replace all your light bulbs with 25-watt bulbs. Outside, don't look at the house in daylight.

Basement Leaks: Mix up some concrete. Don't worry about the instructions, it's OK if it's lumpy or drippy. Nobody will care, it's in the basement. Make sure that shelves and things are where you want them so that it doesn't matter if the concrete permanently attaches them to the floor. If you have extra, just pour it out into the backyard. You can take it out later when you have time.

Preparing the House for Sale: Any of these repairs can (and should) be done as close to the date the house goes on the market as possible. For last-minute things, try packing your stuff up early and stacking the boxes near any trouble spots. Let the kids color on the walls -- this will distract the buyers from more urgent problems. And don't worry: By the time the buyers discover what you've done, you'll be long gone.